Ten (10) Rules for a Good Fight
1. Recognize that your spouse is in a mood that generally precedes a fight. (Most couples know the mood of their spouse - don't be afraid to ask about the mood.)
2. We must both agree that the time is right for a heavy discussion. (The key is to set a time away from the kids and others.)
3. We must select a fighting place and we must go to our 'fighting place.' (The fight place is not the bedroom, the living room or family room, it is not the dining room or the kitchen, . . . it is nowhere that the couple eats, has fun, or loves.)
4. We must agree to discuss only the problem that was the trigger for the fight. (If more than one issue is brought into the argument it begins a RABBIT TRAIL of confusion.)
5. We must have only two goals in this fight and that is to understand the other persons' point of view and reach an honest consensus. (Goal one will be achieved when only one person talks at a time. Goal two will be achieved when you have understood the issue and another honest point of view.)
6. We must watch the tone of our voices and our vocabulary. (The point of any fight is to be understood - not to out shout the other person. Nor is the point to shock the other with coarse language.)
7. If the fight is about the children - we must agree not to fight in front of them. (A child may be the focus of the argument, but he or she must not view self as a wedge between parents.)
8. We must not use language that 'puts down' or 'hurts' the other person. We know that 'always' and 'never' and other exaggerations only confuse the issue. (The old adage 'Sticks and Stones . . . ' is still true - even for adults.)
9. If you are willing to fight - you must be ready with a solution. (Refer to rule 1 and 5. If you recognize the mood and have a point of view - be ready with an idea that solves and not revolves the problem.)
10. Clean up the mess. (Be able to say at the conclusion of any fight - 'I'm sorry.' or 'Isn't it nice that we could come to a conclusion.' or 'I love you.').
